why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
