I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
