he told me I talked like a deaf person
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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