Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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