I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Randomize