I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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