Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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