well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Did I show you my penis last night?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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