do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
