I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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