If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
