Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
