I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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