my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
