Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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