I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
