I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
