can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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