So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
