Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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