I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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