Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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