ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
