I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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