I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
