I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
