The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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