Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
