I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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