I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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