I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
