Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
