This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just found puke in my bra..
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
