drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
