So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
