when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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