So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
