whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize