I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
