i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
