My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Everyone says I win the strip club
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
