At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
