why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We need to get me chipped asap
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
