WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
