When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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