I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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