Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
