Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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