she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
