My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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