i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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