Whod you bang
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
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