so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
