i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
