i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
