Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
