Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
