She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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