Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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