he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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