you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
