haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
