Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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