News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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