Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
