I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
