He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
