i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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