what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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