She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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