it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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