Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think your dad took our porno
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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